“I’m giving up soda.” he replied.

A complete non-soda drinker, I snorted. “You probably don’t even like soda.”

I could never look at anyone as earnestly as Marcos looked at me and said, “Oh no, I LOVE soda. I drink it ALL THE TIME.”

A look of powerful longing crossed his face and he paused for a moment, lost in reverie for forbidden soda. Behind their square black frames, his dark eyes refocused on mine and he said firmly and quietly.

“It’s really hard.”

On my way back to my desk, I realized two things: 1. Marcos was totally hot but WAY too religious for me and 2. I was jealous of his steadfast dedication to his religious beliefs.

I’ve never considered myself a religious person. I attended a Catholic school (begrudgingly, at best) for 6 years but always felt that religion had too many strangely specific rules and therefore, too many loopholes. The whole transubstantiation thing, for instance. As Eddie Izzard pointed out during this monologue, how is it not vampirism and cannibalism?

The idea that the Catholic Church is really an elaborate front for an archaic cannibalistic, vampiric cult was exactly the sort of thing that fueled my obnoxious questions in sixth grade theology class. My teacher then didn’t even dignify it with a response and the question still remains unanswered nearly thirty years later. Which is not really so much of a big deal anymore – the question I’d rather have answered is one that asks why such an elaborate ritual is needed to celebrate the sacrifice of one man’s life to show many others a potentially better way of living their lives? Isn’t it amazing enough that one man was able to trump 30 years of societal & religious programming to truly be himself?

Although perhaps the real lesson here is that society/religion will ultimately eliminate those who don’t stay in line but that is a post for another day…

Back to Lent.

So, I’ve been thinking about giving something up for Lent. Mainly as an exercise in self-discipline, self-control and self-love.

Huh? I hear you say.. How does denying yourself something show self-love? Especially something yummy and comforting?!

In the interest of levity and avoidance of backpedaling, let me just say that sometimes the relationships we cling to most tightly are the ones that are bad for us. And by we and us, I mean I. And by bad relationships, I mean sweets.

Some of you who read my blog might have noticed that there are a lot of dessert recipes on it. It seems obvious that I enjoy dessert. Except that I don’t really. It just gets me through the day.

Some people can’t get through the day without six cups of coffee. Or several cans of Red Bull. Or a bottle of wine. Or two packs of cigarettes. Or three hours in the gym. Or compulsive sex. Or cocaine.

My drug of choice is chocolate. Especially if combined with copious amounts of eggs, flour and sugar. When life has whipped me into a frantic frenzy, my hands itch for a fork or a sack of cheap chocolate candy to shovel into my anxious mouth. Taste isn’t important – in fact, the better something tastes, the more it brings me back into the painful present. I want something that dulls the present and its fearful pain and nothing reassures my lizard brain that I’m sufficiently fueled for fight or flight more than the powerful combination of fat and sugar.

To be honest, my life is not really that painful on a meta scale. I’m doing exactly what I want on my own terms. I have a circle of wonderful friends, family, and neighbors. I’m happy with my life and myself and optimistic about the future. There’s just this fear I have sometimes – about money, about security, about kids, about being loved, about disrespect – ok it’s a lot of fears. And they tend to pop up fairly often, especially over the last two years.

And speaking of the last two years: To say these past two years have been educational is a huge understatement but jeez, if someone had just told me I should just enjoy throwing my money, time and resources into the ravenous, gaping maw of 2008 and 2009, the ride would have been A LOT easier. In hindsight, I can definitely say that riding a bucking bronco is not the time to start worrying about the price of that cowboy hat that just flew off your head. Just hang on and enjoy the ride…

That’s how the whole experience/wisdom works, right? You do the time, you get the wisdom. kthxbai.

So, for the next 40 days (or so) of Lent, here’s to learning to enjoy the bucking bronco ride of human existence without the crack. (And secretly hoping that some of you have your own personal crack stories to share about Lent.)

Setup info: Canon EOS 5D with ST-E2 transmitter. 200 sec @ f/4.5, ISO 100. 580EXII @1/8th power bounced off wall to camera left.